Life shifts and things change and normally I plan things out and measure them thoroughly and do the VERY MOST responsible thing but in the summer of 2007, in the midst of my life doing roller coaster dips, dives and loops, divine intervention struck multiple times. Suddenly I found myself 30,000+ feet in the air heading west without giving it much thought. First, a visit with family and then an escape to Idaho.
I was running from a painful year, choosing to leave work before the school year officially ended (GASP!) to join a group of people I hardly knew as they competed in one of the most challenging endurance sports, Ironman Couer d'Alene. Going there was ironic: the event mirroring back what I internally felt...it's an endurance sport, you know. It was divinity at it's most amused and greatest embrace as I cheered or rather poured my heart out on the course. I watched in amazement as my teammates pushed themselves through the long day. I stood breathless as wounded military athletes zipped by, some with prosthetic limbs. Endurance...at it's most soul-moving.
THEN, as if to show I'd completely lost my mind, I drove back across the country in a moving van! Seriously, I must have snapped! In summary, I loved it! I loved the freedom and the free-flowing-ness of each moment. I loved seeing people from different states (whoa, those guys in Montana are tall!). I loved soaking in the beauty of the country (a beauty of many shapes and colors)and wanted desperately to slow it down, to take more time. I also had a moment when I thought, "Oh dear, God, keep me from completely coming unhinged!" I had this wild vision of me becoming one of those people who lives "off the map" which caused equal parts joy and panic. Fortunately for my panic attack, a phone call from the east coast cut the trip short as the van was needed sooner than planned. We drove for hours each day and talked and talked and talked. We just were. What simple joys!
BUT going back to 30,000+ feet in the air, at the beginning of this journey, that is where I was handed a message, a mantra, another life lesson (sheesh how many of these do I need???)
Positioned in the window seat in a row of three, I sat quietly sobbing. I tried to bury and disguise my emotions in Mitch Albom's The 5 People You Meet in Heaven, after all it is a tear-jerker and I thought it was a good "cover." My immediate neighbor was eager to chat though and pulled me out of the book and myself within minutes of getting herself situated. Of course, when someone starts a conversation with "have you ever seen a real brain and brain stem?" it does kind of make you stop in your tracks, proverbial or otherwise. When that statement was followed by, "I travel with one!" a stream of questions and thoughts flooded my own brain, including, "whoa, where the hell is this going?" and "Please, tell me she's not about to ask for mine!"
As it turns out, my neighbor's story was quite riveting. In the very shortened version: she's a neuro-scientist by the name of Jill Bolte Taylor, who had had a stroke in 1996 which completely wiped out her ability to walk, talk, read, write or even remember her life before the stroke. AND, AND, she had made a remarkable recovery; it didn't happen overnight or on her own or by itself; it was hard work AND she was sitting there that day sharing it all with me in person. I sat speechless. I sat moved beyond myself and my fears and my pain. We chatted the entire time and just as the plane was about to land, she left me with a golden nugget: she said with gentleness, "You know, in life, you just never know. You never know what others are really thinking or doing or believing. You never know how things are going to turn out. You never know." AND then she smiled. Message delivered, she packed up and hustled off the plane to her connecting flight.
I felt like she saw right through me, seeing how broken and out of control I felt. Whether she did or not, to this day, I try to use that voice to remind myself how little I do know, quieting my anxieties and my fears (and my anger when driving in the Washington, DC area) when they come a-calling. I don't know...but I can be...I can beautifully soak it all in...I can learn...I can keep moving forward...I can let go. What simple joys!
As a side note, I started this post on August 21,2009...it's August 19,2011...time to post! sigh!
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